Thursday, July 30, 2009

loss

the feeling of loss
makes me want to cross
the deep blue.

not knowing how to let go
or guess when I'll know
the time of grief is over.

is it silly of me
to be
so sad from the non-human loss?

been with me for 12 years
not sure how to move on or clear
my mind of this sorrow

days seem to be better
but nights are bitter
at the thought of losing him

the grief
comes from my misbelief
that he's gone

knowing he'll never return
makes my heart ache and burn
and feeling bad as it does

what makes it worse is my guilt
for not having been with him during me stint
of seven weeks

before he got sick
and left me so quick
into the afterlife

can't understand
why its so hard to make mends
with the decision we made

to put him to sleep
because the pain is so deep
from the emptiness in my heart

from having loved him so dear
never thinking the end was that near
and hoping his life

would have been longer
but knowing that I must be stronger
to move past the sadness

and accept that he's gone
because it would be wrong
if i could not pass this stage

and move on to the acceptance phase
so that i can have the days
where i only remember the happy memories

of the happiness he brought
and how hard he fought
to the very end

to give me the chance
to hold him in my arms for a hug and one last glance
before needing to say goodbye

and hoping i'll get to see
him in the afterlife as they say we'll be
together after crossing the Rainbow Bridge

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

flying

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to fly? I'm afraid of heights yet I've always enjoyed the adrenaline rush I get from standing at tall heights and watching the view. All this to gain the feeling that I'm flying ... like the birds. To be like a bird flying with nothing but wind under my wings. I can only imagine that it's the ultimate feeling of freedom.

The closest I've gotten to flying so far is skydiving. I thought for sure, I would have gotten sick during the flight up. But, I survived all the way to the top. Watched in amazement as the houses and trees and cars got smaller and smaller. As the roads and grass became patches of squares, thoughts of flying away came to mind. As we prepared to slip out of the plane, I captured the view of the ground, the sky, and the clouds in the second I had to enjoy the still beauty.

Twisted and turned and flipped. The world spinning then still. Wondrous.  To fly away and be free. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Life

For a friend....

Life kicked my ass today
And every day
In every way

Some days Life kicks my ass
Other days Life just laughs at me

Life is the biggest bully I've ever encountered
And I've been bullied by a lot of people
But no one has kicked my ass the hardest than Life

I try to ignore the insults and just walk on by
Like my momma taught me
I've tried to kick Life's ass
Like my brother taught me
I may win a small battle or two
But, in the long run
Life wins the war

Life doesn't care about my feelings
Sometimes I think Life just wants me to let it all go
And just die

Life doesn't care when I cry
When I stay cooped up at home to hide
Life knocks on my doors
And tries to climb through my windows

Life just doesn't want to leave me alone
And every day
Life…finds something new to throw in my way
Life makes fun of my decisions and problems
Life always gives me bruises
Some worse than others

Life bullies me into hiding
And when I hide, I always feel ridiculous
Because I don't want to avoid Life
I want to love Life

Because through all the bullying
I still love Life
Because, let's keep this between you and me,
I think Life can feel lonely too
And I think Life should be treated
The way I want to be treated
With love and happiness
Because in the end, Life…
Well that's really all there is to Life
Isn't it?

I think Life feels ignored
And out casted as much as I do
Because no one wants to love Life
Everyone's afraid of Life
Because well…when Life kicks your ass once
You'll understand
Why people want to avoid Life again