long time

It's been quite some time since I've written here, but it certainly doesn't mean I haven't written somewhere. Simply writing at home and not logging on to write my thoughts. Then there are other times I think of things I want to write about, put it on a list of things I should write about and then the list just keeps growing. Then, I think to myself... no one is reading this blog anyway, so what's the point? lol.

In any event, I have so many things I want to accomplish this year between being a better mom, wife, sister, friend, daughter, grand-daughter, niece, cousin and listener, I'm also now adding to the list blogger, business women, photographer, writer, business owner and entrepreneur.

Yes. It's a long long list. And yes, there are many things on that list for 2011, but I'm certain it can all be done. I just need to keep myself accountable.

So, step one... here's it is... prioritize myself by making more lists. That sounds counter productive doesn't it? But really, it's where I need to start. I've come to realize I simply cannot get anything done if I don't have my crazy to-do lists. One list will have my prioritized categories....what needs to be done first. Then the next list would be a list for each category of what needs to be done for that category. I know, I know... it just sounds crazy.

In any event, I've begun the process already and I think once I have all my lists complete, I'll feel better. I'll feel less crazy, less torn, less stretched and become more focused, relieved, and healthy. And ultimately, I'll sleep better.

And with everything I've written about, I've found that it's important to separate all my writing too, so I'm separating my blogging topics.

Here, I'll continue to have my thoughts of self... about me in general. I have my other blog for anything baby related. And then, I have my photography blog. Of course, there may be some overlap here and there, but for the most part.

That's a lot of blogs!? Yes. It is. But, it's necessary and part of the plan to refocus myself - inner and outer. And I think overall, it's better for me as a blogger and as a business person. Allowing myself to ensure each of my blogs are focused on the proper things and not just out there in one big jumbled mess. I'm thinking it's best to have them separate. I guess we'll find out.

Lastly, I decided to delete my old blogs related to baby and keep them only on my baby blog.

2010 was a blessing on the personal level. 2011 will be a continued blessing, but will also be productive and help me not just personally, but professionally too.

loss

the feeling of loss

makes me want to cross

the deep blue.

not knowing how to let go

or guess when I'll know

the time of grief is over.

is it silly of me

to be

so sad from the non-human loss?

been with me for 12 years

not sure how to move on or clear

my mind of this sorrow

days seem to be better

but nights are bitter

at the thought of losing him

the grief

comes from my misbelief

that he's gone

knowing he'll never return

makes my heart ache and burn

and feeling bad as it does

what makes it worse is my guilt

for not having been with him during me stint

of seven weeks

before he got sick

and left me so quick

into the afterlife

can't understand

why its so hard to make mends

with the decision we made

to put him to sleep

because the pain is so deep

from the emptiness in my heart

from having loved him so dear

never thinking the end was that near

and hoping his life

would have been longer

but knowing that I must be stronger

to move past the sadness

and accept that he's gone

because it would be wrong

if i could not pass this stage

and move on to the acceptance phase

so that i can have the days

where i only remember the happy memories

of the happiness he brought

and how hard he fought

to the very end

to give me the chance

to hold him in my arms for a hug and one last glance

before needing to say goodbye

and hoping i'll get to see

him in the afterlife as they say we'll be

together after crossing the Rainbow Bridge

flying

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to fly? I'm afraid of heights yet I've always enjoyed the adrenaline rush I get from standing at tall heights and watching the view. All this to gain the feeling that I'm flying ... like the birds. To be like a bird flying with nothing but wind under my wings. I can only imagine that it's the ultimate feeling of freedom.

The closest I've gotten to flying so far is skydiving. I thought for sure, I would have gotten sick during the flight up. But, I survived all the way to the top. Watched in amazement as the houses and trees and cars got smaller and smaller. As the roads and grass became patches of squares, thoughts of flying away came to mind. As we prepared to slip out of the plane, I captured the view of the ground, the sky, and the clouds in the second I had to enjoy the still beauty.

Twisted and turned and flipped. The world spinning then still. Wondrous.  To fly away and be free. 

Life

For a friend....

Life kicked my ass today
And every day
In every way

Some days Life kicks my ass
Other days Life just laughs at me

Life is the biggest bully I've ever encountered
And I've been bullied by a lot of people
But no one has kicked my ass the hardest than Life

I try to ignore the insults and just walk on by
Like my momma taught me
I've tried to kick Life's ass
Like my brother taught me
I may win a small battle or two
But, in the long run
Life wins the war

Life doesn't care about my feelings
Sometimes I think Life just wants me to let it all go
And just die

Life doesn't care when I cry
When I stay cooped up at home to hide
Life knocks on my doors
And tries to climb through my windows

Life just doesn't want to leave me alone
And every day
Life…finds something new to throw in my way
Life makes fun of my decisions and problems
Life always gives me bruises
Some worse than others

Life bullies me into hiding
And when I hide, I always feel ridiculous
Because I don't want to avoid Life
I want to love Life

Because through all the bullying
I still love Life
Because, let's keep this between you and me,
I think Life can feel lonely too
And I think Life should be treated
The way I want to be treated
With love and happiness
Because in the end, Life…
Well that's really all there is to Life
Isn't it?

I think Life feels ignored
And out casted as much as I do
Because no one wants to love Life
Everyone's afraid of Life
Because well…when Life kicks your ass once
You'll understand
Why people want to avoid Life again

Why?

I wrote this for a friend who wasn't able to express their own feelings to their significant other

Why do you say you love me

But show me only anger?

Why do you say you want me

But throw me away like rubbish?

Why do you say I’m your one and only

But seek comfort from other people?

Many years have come and gone

And yet I am still here

Standing by your side

Covering your weaknesses

Accepting your habits

Looking the other way when you falter

Many years have come and gone

And yet I have not left

Standing here, my feet held still in my steps

Covering my sadness

Accepting the shame

Looking at the lifestyle you have chosen

Many years have come and gone

And I’m not sure who has changed

Standing here I question whether it was you or me

Covering my confusion

Accepting the blame

Looking at the clues that could have lead me wrong

I don’t know where you’ve gone

Why have you left me

To feel alone in this cold world

To feel less than decent

To feel not worthy of your love

I don’t know if my judgment was blinded

Why are you so different from what I first saw?

To be the complete opposite of what I know

To be angry and cold

To be selfish and demanding

I don’t know if you are the one

Why have you gone from love 

To hate for me

To hold me responsible for your unhappiness

To push me away and live life without me

I’m confused

I’m hurt

I’m pained

By your indifference

By your neglect

By your anger

I only seek the love we once shared

I think back at what I thought we had

I hold onto hope that this is just a painful phase

We had a love so strong

We found our soul mate

We promised to be there for each other forever

Now, we grow further apart

Now, we share the same home but live two different lives

Now, we go out to enjoy company with others

And it leaves me wondering what went wrong

What did I do

That made you this way

What did I say

That pushed you away

Why can’t we work this out?

Is it too much to ask?

I just want us back

I just want us together

I just want us forever

Loneliness

Loneliness is a terrible thing

It eats away at you inside

Slowly but surely

What ultimately results is sadness

And the feeling of uselessness

Even when you have a million friends

You can feel lonely

You can pretend to be happy

And fool the world

But ultimately, you will not fool yourself

And in trying to do so,

The feeling of loneliness enhances

And your life continues in the road of sadness

You begin to note

The few times you are truly happy

You begin to wonder

The reason for living

You begin to think about

The reason why you are here

You begin to question

Why you should remain

Loneliness becomes deeply engrained

In every part of your body

Loneliness becomes your ultimate

Push to sadness and depression

Loneliness becomes the reason

Why you lose all interest in life

Loneliness becomes the death of you

Dear John

You are the world to me

Ever since the first day I laid eyes on you

Your eyes saw through me like x-ray vision

When you said “hello”

Your voice melted me like butter

You brought me flowers

Wooing me like a love sick child

Every move slick like ice

Amazing me with your silky skin and shiny hair

You came and swept me off my feet like I’ve dreamt for years

Of my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me

And bringing me the life of happily ever after

That was the olden days

Now years have passed

And I’m now “your woman”

Like I’m some prize you won at the carnival

Throwing coins at the glass plates

Living life like your little robot

Only doing what you tell me to do

Cooking, cleaning and drying your dishes

Like I’m seven years old

A little child that can’t go out

But rather stay home like a trapped butterfly

You wine and dine your friends

Bragging about how you can tame

Any woman that comes down your lane

As if we’re just wild horses

Just waiting on the hills

For someone to come ride us

You treat me like dirt

Kicking me to the curb

Just some sand you picked up from the beach

And bottled me away

Now sitting in some dark corner

Collecting dust

Sitting here, dreaming of yesterdays

And how my friends

Warned me about you

About your playing ways

They told me about all those stories

Of other women

But I didn’t want to hear

Because I was memorized by your charm

And strong arms

And I just told them they were jealous

That I found my boo

The one that will give me everything

Now you yell at me like I’m some

Child waiting to me scolded

As if I’ve done something wrong

Every second of my life

I wait in the dark

Afraid that once again your wrath will come

When you come home

And I realized, this is the life I chose

To be with you

Thinking all my good fortunes have come

Like I was Cinderella

And you were the one that

Would give me the world

Only I was wrong and your words have become like

Venom in my blood

Killing me softly

Your strong touch now bruises on my skin

From when I pull away and you

Take me into your arms and give me what I deserve

For being ungrateful

And undeserving of the life you’ve given me

These bruises

Testament to the life I chosen

Like I entered some horror flick

Where I’m the helpless girl that dies at the end

I woke up this morning

Again, yelling with tears

And sweat dripping down my face

Like I was sick with fever

And I realized,

It’s time

For me to take my life back

It’s time to end this horror flick

Where I’m the independent woman

That saves myself in the end

Not waiting for another knight

To sweep me off my feet

So, this is goodbye

You see my Dear John

I’ve come to my senses 

And I’m leaving you behind

While giving myself a new life

I don’t need you John

Now it’s time to heal myself

And begin living life the way I should have lived

Before I ever met you

Free

From the pain and chains

No more fears

No more tears

No more bruises on my skin