Wednesday, January 26, 2011

long time

It's been quite some time since I've written here, but it certainly doesn't mean I haven't written somewhere. Simply writing at home and not logging on to write my thoughts. Then there are other times I think of things I want to write about, put it on a list of things I should write about and then the list just keeps growing. Then, I think to myself... no one is reading this blog anyway, so what's the point? lol.

In any event, I have so many things I want to accomplish this year between being a better mom, wife, sister, friend, daughter, grand-daughter, niece, cousin and listener, I'm also now adding to the list blogger, business women, photographer, writer, business owner and entrepreneur.

Yes. It's a long long list. And yes, there are many things on that list for 2011, but I'm certain it can all be done. I just need to keep myself accountable.

So, step one... here's it is... prioritize myself by making more lists. That sounds counter productive doesn't it? But really, it's where I need to start. I've come to realize I simply cannot get anything done if I don't have my crazy to-do lists. One list will have my prioritized categories....what needs to be done first. Then the next list would be a list for each category of what needs to be done for that category. I know, I know... it just sounds crazy.

In any event, I've begun the process already and I think once I have all my lists complete, I'll feel better. I'll feel less crazy, less torn, less stretched and become more focused, relieved, and healthy. And ultimately, I'll sleep better.

And with everything I've written about, I've found that it's important to separate all my writing too, so I'm separating my blogging topics.

Here, I'll continue to have my thoughts of self... about me in general. I have my other blog for anything baby related. And then, I have my photography blog. Of course, there may be some overlap here and there, but for the most part.

That's a lot of blogs!? Yes. It is. But, it's necessary and part of the plan to refocus myself - inner and outer. And I think overall, it's better for me as a blogger and as a business person. Allowing myself to ensure each of my blogs are focused on the proper things and not just out there in one big jumbled mess. I'm thinking it's best to have them separate. I guess we'll find out.

Lastly, I decided to delete my old blogs related to baby and keep them only on my baby blog.

2010 was a blessing on the personal level. 2011 will be a continued blessing, but will also be productive and help me not just personally, but professionally too.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

loss

the feeling of loss
makes me want to cross
the deep blue.

not knowing how to let go
or guess when I'll know
the time of grief is over.

is it silly of me
to be
so sad from the non-human loss?

been with me for 12 years
not sure how to move on or clear
my mind of this sorrow

days seem to be better
but nights are bitter
at the thought of losing him

the grief
comes from my misbelief
that he's gone

knowing he'll never return
makes my heart ache and burn
and feeling bad as it does

what makes it worse is my guilt
for not having been with him during me stint
of seven weeks

before he got sick
and left me so quick
into the afterlife

can't understand
why its so hard to make mends
with the decision we made

to put him to sleep
because the pain is so deep
from the emptiness in my heart

from having loved him so dear
never thinking the end was that near
and hoping his life

would have been longer
but knowing that I must be stronger
to move past the sadness

and accept that he's gone
because it would be wrong
if i could not pass this stage

and move on to the acceptance phase
so that i can have the days
where i only remember the happy memories

of the happiness he brought
and how hard he fought
to the very end

to give me the chance
to hold him in my arms for a hug and one last glance
before needing to say goodbye

and hoping i'll get to see
him in the afterlife as they say we'll be
together after crossing the Rainbow Bridge

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

flying

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to fly? I'm afraid of heights yet I've always enjoyed the adrenaline rush I get from standing at tall heights and watching the view. All this to gain the feeling that I'm flying ... like the birds. To be like a bird flying with nothing but wind under my wings. I can only imagine that it's the ultimate feeling of freedom.

The closest I've gotten to flying so far is skydiving. I thought for sure, I would have gotten sick during the flight up. But, I survived all the way to the top. Watched in amazement as the houses and trees and cars got smaller and smaller. As the roads and grass became patches of squares, thoughts of flying away came to mind. As we prepared to slip out of the plane, I captured the view of the ground, the sky, and the clouds in the second I had to enjoy the still beauty.

Twisted and turned and flipped. The world spinning then still. Wondrous.  To fly away and be free. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Life

For a friend....

Life kicked my ass today
And every day
In every way

Some days Life kicks my ass
Other days Life just laughs at me

Life is the biggest bully I've ever encountered
And I've been bullied by a lot of people
But no one has kicked my ass the hardest than Life

I try to ignore the insults and just walk on by
Like my momma taught me
I've tried to kick Life's ass
Like my brother taught me
I may win a small battle or two
But, in the long run
Life wins the war

Life doesn't care about my feelings
Sometimes I think Life just wants me to let it all go
And just die

Life doesn't care when I cry
When I stay cooped up at home to hide
Life knocks on my doors
And tries to climb through my windows

Life just doesn't want to leave me alone
And every day
Life…finds something new to throw in my way
Life makes fun of my decisions and problems
Life always gives me bruises
Some worse than others

Life bullies me into hiding
And when I hide, I always feel ridiculous
Because I don't want to avoid Life
I want to love Life

Because through all the bullying
I still love Life
Because, let's keep this between you and me,
I think Life can feel lonely too
And I think Life should be treated
The way I want to be treated
With love and happiness
Because in the end, Life…
Well that's really all there is to Life
Isn't it?

I think Life feels ignored
And out casted as much as I do
Because no one wants to love Life
Everyone's afraid of Life
Because well…when Life kicks your ass once
You'll understand
Why people want to avoid Life again

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Why?

I wrote this for a friend who wasn't able to express their own feelings to their significant other

Why do you say you love me
But show me only anger?
Why do you say you want me
But throw me away like rubbish?
Why do you say I’m your one and only
But seek comfort from other people?
Many years have come and gone
And yet I am still here
Standing by your side
Covering your weaknesses
Accepting your habits
Looking the other way when you falter
Many years have come and gone
And yet I have not left
Standing here, my feet held still in my steps
Covering my sadness
Accepting the shame
Looking at the lifestyle you have chosen
Many years have come and gone
And I’m not sure who has changed
Standing here I question whether it was you or me
Covering my confusion
Accepting the blame
Looking at the clues that could have lead me wrong
I don’t know where you’ve gone
Why have you left me
To feel alone in this cold world
To feel less than decent
To feel not worthy of your love
I don’t know if my judgment was blinded
Why are you so different from what I first saw?
To be the complete opposite of what I know
To be angry and cold
To be selfish and demanding
I don’t know if you are the one
Why have you gone from love 
To hate for me
To hold me responsible for your unhappiness
To push me away and live life without me
I’m confused
I’m hurt
I’m pained
By your indifference
By your neglect
By your anger
I only seek the love we once shared
I think back at what I thought we had
I hold onto hope that this is just a painful phase
We had a love so strong
We found our soul mate
We promised to be there for each other forever
Now, we grow further apart
Now, we share the same home but live two different lives
Now, we go out to enjoy company with others
And it leaves me wondering what went wrong
What did I do
That made you this way
What did I say
That pushed you away
Why can’t we work this out?
Is it too much to ask?
I just want us back
I just want us together
I just want us forever

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Loneliness

Loneliness is a terrible thing
It eats away at you inside
Slowly but surely
What ultimately results is sadness
And the feeling of uselessness
Even when you have a million friends
You can feel lonely
You can pretend to be happy
And fool the world
But ultimately, you will not fool yourself
And in trying to do so,
The feeling of loneliness enhances
And your life continues in the road of sadness
You begin to note
The few times you are truly happy
You begin to wonder
The reason for living
You begin to think about
The reason why you are here
You begin to question
Why you should remain
Loneliness becomes deeply engrained
In every part of your body
Loneliness becomes your ultimate
Push to sadness and depression
Loneliness becomes the reason
Why you lose all interest in life
Loneliness becomes the death of you

Friday, July 2, 2004

Dear John

You are the world to me
Ever since the first day I laid eyes on you
Your eyes saw through me like x-ray vision
When you said “hello”
Your voice melted me like butter
You brought me flowers
Wooing me like a love sick child
Every move slick like ice
Amazing me with your silky skin and shiny hair
You came and swept me off my feet like I’ve dreamt for years
Of my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me
And bringing me the life of happily ever after
That was the olden days
Now years have passed
And I’m now “your woman”
Like I’m some prize you won at the carnival
Throwing coins at the glass plates
Living life like your little robot
Only doing what you tell me to do
Cooking, cleaning and drying your dishes
Like I’m seven years old
A little child that can’t go out
But rather stay home like a trapped butterfly
You wine and dine your friends
Bragging about how you can tame
Any woman that comes down your lane
As if we’re just wild horses
Just waiting on the hills
For someone to come ride us
You treat me like dirt
Kicking me to the curb
Just some sand you picked up from the beach
And bottled me away
Now sitting in some dark corner
Collecting dust
Sitting here, dreaming of yesterdays
And how my friends
Warned me about you
About your playing ways
They told me about all those stories
Of other women
But I didn’t want to hear
Because I was memorized by your charm
And strong arms
And I just told them they were jealous
That I found my boo
The one that will give me everything
Now you yell at me like I’m some
Child waiting to me scolded
As if I’ve done something wrong
Every second of my life
I wait in the dark
Afraid that once again your wrath will come
When you come home
And I realized, this is the life I chose
To be with you
Thinking all my good fortunes have come
Like I was Cinderella
And you were the one that
Would give me the world
Only I was wrong and your words have become like
Venom in my blood
Killing me softly
Your strong touch now bruises on my skin
From when I pull away and you
Take me into your arms and give me what I deserve
For being ungrateful
And undeserving of the life you’ve given me
These bruises
Testament to the life I chosen
Like I entered some horror flick
Where I’m the helpless girl that dies at the end
I woke up this morning
Again, yelling with tears
And sweat dripping down my face
Like I was sick with fever
And I realized,
It’s time
For me to take my life back
It’s time to end this horror flick
Where I’m the independent woman
That saves myself in the end
Not waiting for another knight
To sweep me off my feet
So, this is goodbye
You see my Dear John
I’ve come to my senses 
And I’m leaving you behind
While giving myself a new life
I don’t need you John
Now it’s time to heal myself
And begin living life the way I should have lived
Before I ever met you
Free
From the pain and chains
No more fears
No more tears
No more bruises on my skin